I love found poetry. Love it. Found poetry reminds me of the time my friend Erin and I discovered John Wesley’s directions for singing in the back of a Methodist hymnal and she sat in the wooden pew furiously scribbling them all down on a spare church bulletin. Number two, for example, commands, “Sing [these tunes] exactly as they are printed here, without altering or mending them at all; and if you have learned to sing them otherwise, unlearn it as soon as you can.” There are seven in total.
I love how Wesley’s language is purposeful, direct and alarmingly un-ironic. On the other hand, sometimes you find poetry in an unexpected metaphor, a euphemism that is hilariously endearing. And that is what I bring you today. Most of us probably don’t often think of e-mail spammers as endearing, but I present the following list with hopes you’ll reconsider.
After four weeks out of town, I arrived home to over six hundred (!) messages in my g-mail spam folder. Of course there was lots of “Hot sale: Generic Medecines and Vi@gr!@”, but some folks took the time to charm me with their subject lines. Here is a brief review of the top titles:
- Your drillo needs support
- Your battleship won’t sink
- Vulcanizer for your hot-stick!
- Best doping for night monster
- Your shuttle needs better fuel
- Energy for your dude piston
- The best software for your joystick
- Charge your love generator
and, my personal favorite:
- The magic melody for your flute
I mean, if I were in the market for some generic Viagra, I’d hands-down buy it from that guy. In my book, a well-written metaphor goes a long way. And admit it, you’ve already started thinking of your own.*
*Tentacle, love gun, and tasty cake have already been taken.